Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
