You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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