I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
