I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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