i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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