my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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