wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
