they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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