I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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