I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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