I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
someone owes me an orgasm
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
