im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
being pregnant is like rehab
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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