Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
