just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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