If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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