you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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