I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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