I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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