The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
