Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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