So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
