I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
