The best revenge is premature balding
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
