I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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