do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
