WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
