she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
