I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
