I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
