I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
