Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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