Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
