Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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