Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
