I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
