So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
