Can i not drive my cunt home
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
