I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
