Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
