You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You don't make any sense
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