I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
