She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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