i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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