He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
