fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
