Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
