I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
