Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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