No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You're like the curious george of whores
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
