So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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