Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
