I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
