pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
