i jhust puked up my retainher.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
